Saturday, 5 January 2013

Dating Indian Men: What I Learnt From A 2-Year Relationship

I was replying to a very interesting blog post about Decoding Indian Men and my reply became so long that I thought of writing a blog post about it. Thus this post was born. Here I will describe my own experiences with an Indian (Malayali) guy with whom I've been for two years as well as what I've noticed about Indian men in General.

Most of the time I spend in South India, especially Kerala, so this experience will mostly apply to Indian men from these regions.

It's always nice to start the post positively so here it goes...

The good qualities of Indian men 

Indian men can be extremely understanding (in their own way) and sensitive. What fascinates Western women is how they can express their emotions easily. They may cry in front of you when they feel hurt (that doesn't happen with Western men), they may tell their deepest secrets. This creates a sense of security in Western women and they start trusting Indian men (a bit mistake, to be explained later).

Some Indian men (minority) are very attractive. This is because the men Western women tend to meet are doing manual work (thus they have good bodies) as waiters, hotel boys and so on. These guys are young and attractive, and they are willing to do anything a girl asks (at first).

They can be very passionate. It feels as though they feel so connected to nature and they are not shy or uncomfortable in the matters that some Western men are (and I'm particularly talking about Malayali men living near the sea).

Indian men can be very manly. However soon girls notice the negative side of this extreme masculinity.

The negative traits of Indian men

Extreme dependence on parents. Parents, especially the mother, are everything to them. And usually mothers are demanding and not interested in other cultures.

Aggressiveness and physical violence. Where I live I know that a vast majority of Indian wives suffer from violence of their Indian husbands. Things as these don't happen in the open; They are carefully hidden from unsuspecting outsider.

Women are disrespected publicly. It's an accepted and usual thing to see a husband with a big belly marching first whilst wife with kids follows him obediently a few steps behind. Also I saw Indian women carrying bags for a man. How shameful.

Women are shushed publicly. Women are sometimes shouted at and shushed if a man feels she's not behaving properly. I remember one Muslim Indian man ignoring me talking to him as though I didn't exist. I also remember how a Hindu man almost hit me for telling foreign tourists that they could find cheaper rooms than in his hotel.

General ignorance about things we take for granted. Like Indian men can urinate almost everywhere, they spit everywhere, they burp and fart.

Indian men are extremely good liars. I usually can tell when a person is lying straight away, but that's not the case if an Indian man is lying. Even after 2 years of our relationship sometimes I still can't be sure if my boyfriend is lying or not. They seem to buy into their own lies I think - that's why their lying is so undetectable.

The biggest problem in relationships with Indian men

I see that the biggest problem in such relationship is that a girl falls head over heals for the Indian man who only uses her. That happens because many Indian men go for worse looking or older white women. Those guys are usually beautiful and have muscular figures so naturally women feel extremely attracted to them. And this attraction later on translates into real love, but that doesn't usually happen for an Indian man.

Most relationships that I came across were this. A beautiful Indian guy (18 - 25) with a 5-10 years older average to bad looking Western female. A female is madly in love with the guy, the guy is using her for money. That's the usual scenario.

Another very big problem is that they may change after marriage. An Indian man after marriage may become much more violent and may start cheating, since he has this idea that there won't be any divorce.

My situation and what I learned about Indian men

 I'm dating a Malayali guy for 2 years now. I've met his family and they seem very happy that I'm his girlfriend. This is, I think, because they are poor. They are the most beautiful people in the world, but you can't deny that a poor Indian family would not be happy when an opportunity to raise itself arises, if you know what I mean.

My boyfriend used to lie A LOT at the beginning of the relationship, as it's normal to do so in their culture. Basically the reasoning goes: "if the wife is happy about what a husband says, then it's okay, doesn't matter if it's a lie or not". So it took a lot of tears and examples to change his mind. I still catch him lying though, but only occasionally.

He stopped drinking and smoking for me as he knows that if I ever catch him doing any of it, I will never come back. So far I've never caught him, and even my friends never saw him doing these things.

He also sometimes breaks things when he gets angry. I don't know how many mobiles were broken this way. He doesn't hit me but sometimes I'm scared at how angry he gets. But then this anger dissipates as fast as it started. It's freaky and I hope he will change, but some say it will even become worse...

What I love about him is how much more open minded he is than men in his area. He respects women a lot, but not as much as a Westerner would, of course. So he still has the cultural thing of expecting me to make food for him, for example, but I'm teaching him to cook too. Also we sometimes have to play the Indian roles of me being obedient girlfriend and him being controlling, when we visit traditional villages. But among international friends we are equals.

Now for the white girls dating Indian men: please respect their customs at least outwardly. If you boss him around, he will be laughed at by everyone, even women. He can't marry you if you do so. If you go around in bikini in the area he lives, he will feel ashamed and very likely not marry you (that's if you're looking to marry one - if you love him that much). For us these things seem normal, but not to the eyes of an Indian.

Also no matter how much love there is, an Indian guy, who has never been abroad, will always look at you as a successful foreigner who will help him out. I, therefore, don't spend a penny on my bf and he's the one meeting me in Asian countries when I'm travelling outside of India (I live in India most times). When an Indian man starts spending money for you and supports you, that's a good sign.

I'm still not sure about the marriage, although my boyfriend is almost convinced that I will marry him. He's very interested in discussing passport and marriage issues with his friends who are married to foreign women. All of our friends, in fact, already call us a married couple and some keep asking when is our marriage. Who knows, I'm still not sure if I should marry him.

Dreams, as well as the silent voice inside me says that I should wait, so I will. So strange, he seems perfect, but for some reason I can't marry him now.

I can't stay in India for long times because I just get too upset at the inequality of men and women and I can even get rude about these things. Like in the place where I live I have very good reputation (as you know it's extremely important in India - I don't care about it but I think I'm naturally not doing anything considered bad by Indians). So when, for example, my Indian friends see me with a girl who wears something revealing, they give disapproving looks. Or I remember one time I went without my boyfriend (but with an Aussie girl-friend) for a couple of day's short travel, when I returned some of my boyfriend's friends were not too happy about it. I mean come on, can't I have LIFE?

There are many, many many many girls who get used by Indian men. What happens usually is either girls look for sex at first, or are unexpectedly chatted up by attractive young Indian guys. Clueless about their culture and poverty, they think Indian guys truly love them. But actually those guys usually only love the status that comes along with dating a white chick, or their wallets/opportunity to get out of India. That's a sad fact.

I can't even count the times I was told not to marry and Indian, especially a malayali. They really have a bad reputation, and I'm talking about the ones who never travelled abroad thus are totally ignorant about the world outside of India. So many girls got hurt, even some that I know.

A girl from Italy recently married an Indian waiter who is half Malayali half east-Indian. I straight away noticed his controlling attitude and developed a dislike for him. If that girl would talk over him, she would get shouted at. Sometimes he points at a place in the restaurant for her to sit and she does, like an obedient dog. If my boyfriend would do that to me, I would split up right there. I guess some girls can tolerate more, much more. Anyway, not even a week of their marriage had passed and guess what happened... She got punched in the face by her hubby in front of a crowd. Nobody helped her (as mainly Indian men were around). And that's the start of the marriage. What will happen next?


In this post I covered many issues concerning Indian men. I'm sorry if some of your will get insulted about what I wrote. I know that my words don't apply to some Indian men. However I think my description would suit to a majority of them.

As you may have noticed from my writing, I'm still confused about the Indian culture and people. I will keep researching these things and will update you about my conclusions!